I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
