my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my shit smells like andre
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
