Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
