new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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