I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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