FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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