Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
