You work out of a Hotel?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Four minutes until I can fart!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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