Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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