so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He shit in the fireplace
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
