I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
