don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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