I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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