look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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