oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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