There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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