i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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