this boner is exhausting
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
