Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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