Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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