Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
