Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
