Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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