he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
