My nipple is on Facebook.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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