That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
