Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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