I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
