he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
