I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
