cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
