We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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