there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
