I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
