I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i wish my penis had a tongue
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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