Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
