I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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