i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
