well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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