I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
