I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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