you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
