Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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