i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My cat gives me a boner
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
