we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
