I look better un-naked...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Still dying that you shit outside
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
