someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
