The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
