I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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