My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
