Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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